Having a rough week

Last week was probably one of my worst weeks here. Nothing seemed to go right and it made me feel like terrible emotionally speaking. Everything seemed to go wrong all at once, I guess that’s how it usually happens. First, things didn’t seem to be moving at my school. Looking back on it I was probably impatient, but I felt like I was getting nothing done. Second, the harassment seemed to be worse than usual. Maybe I was just noticing it more last week or maybe after weeks and weeks of ignoring it you finally just can’t take it anymore. That’s probably more like it. Sometimes the harassment just makes me want to cry. To add to the negativity, I had communication issues with my landlady. The light bulb in my bedroom went out so I went to ask her what kind I needed to buy to replace it and where I could get one. After I bought it, I thought I had bought the wrong one so I went to my landlady’s house again. She speaks no English and I speak almost no Amharic so having had a bad day, plus not being able to communicate and needing my light bulb fixed I got so frustrated and impatient. After understanding one another I felt like shit because I had been impatient with her, so then I felt like an awful person and hated myself. I told myself I was a terrible Peace Corps Volunteer. Again, not great for my already fragile emotional state.

To top off my week, my 7^th and 8^th grade English club was to meet for the first time this semester (we met a couple times last semester). The English teacher who helps me set it up said he told all the students about it. I spent quite a bit of time working on a lesson plan. When the meeting finally came, only five students showed up. I had not prepared myself for this at all. My lesson plan was meant for the entire class. So when I realized that those five were it, I had no idea what to do. I was completely unprepared. We did a short activity that I had planned and then I had them read some books. After club, I walked home and felt like the biggest failure. I don’t know how to describe it. I have never had that feeling before. I was disappointed in myself. I was mad at myself and mad at Ethiopia. I kept asking myself what I was doing here if no one was going to come to my events. And then if I get harassed every time I walk out of my compound people must not want me here. These were the thoughts running through my head. Throughout training Peace Corps tells you to be flexible because many of the things that you plan won’t go how you want them to, but no one told me how this would affect me emotionally. After getting over the fact that only five students came, I hated myself because I felt like I had failed those five students. I felt like I had given up when I realized they were all that were going to come that day. I kept telling myself I should have been prepared for that to happen. I felt like the biggest failure and walking out of that classroom after the hour was over I had no idea how I was going to get back from this.

So of course I called my girl Theresa and told her what had happened and how I was feeling. It’s always nice to have your feelings validated and know that other volunteers are going through the same stuff as you. I still didn’t feel great, but after our conversation I felt better. What I needed to do was go home, watch a stupid movie, eat some chocolate, and worry about Ethiopia after the weekend. And that’s what I did. I had a Skype date with my sister that night and I feel like an awful sister because when she asked me how my day was I flat out told her, “I don’t want to talk about it, seriously.” Because I thought if I told someone back home what happened I would start crying and feel like an even bigger failure. That’s not what you want people back home to know. You don’t want them to know you failed, that what you are doing isn’t working, that you want to quit. Well now that I’m feeling better I feel I have the strength to tell you how it is, at least for this week, who knows what Peace Corps will have for me next week.   

So what did I learn from all this? Failure sucks and having “Bridesmaids” on your hard drive is a life saver. But no matter how painful failing is, I’m seeing how necessary it is in understanding how to do better and how to improve. And as Theresa told me, my English club wasn’t a failure. It didn’t go as planned but that doesn’t mean it failed. And now I know how to go about it in the future. For my next English club, I went into it with a completely different attitude. Expect nothing and everything, be flexible, and don’t give up. If only five students show up then you teach those five students and they get all your attention. As for the harassment, there are people who don’t want me here. I just need to face the facts. Probably a lot of people don’t want a white girl here. But I know some people who are happy to have me, who want my support and help, so I need to focus on those people and talk and hang out with them. I shouldn’t worry about the rest.

Last week I felt like I fell, deep, very deep. When I fell, I wanted to go home and give up. I got back up though, didn’t let last week get to me and put it behind me. Instead, I had a pretty amazing week this week. Probably the best week I’ve had in country so far. Oh Peace Corps, what are you doing to me?

And with that I leave you with this quote:

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts”

 – Winston Churchill